The Feelings of Grief in Divorce

The Feelings of Grief in Divorce.

 

Many people remain in dead marriages using the children as excuse for a disjointed relationship in which the battle lines are drawn fiercely and ferociously. To say the least, it is unfair on the children for parents to bring them up in war zones, or to use them as pawns during bitter long drawn out exchanges of verbal and, sometimes physical fire power. Once the love for the children becomes the priority, sometimes, divorce becomes inevitable. The realization of this ushers in a lot of grief.

When asked to describe what people feel when going through the process of divorce, some would call it a “deep sadness”, while some call it a “heavy sorrow”. Whichever way it is described, grief is unbearable, monumental, devastating, and a sometimes wearying process. Grief is usually caused by a loss of some sort, (usually of someone loved), especially in the case of divorce, relationship break-up, or death. Sometimes, grief may be caused by loss of a home or job, or something less severe, like position or community respect. And grief is sometimes so overwhelmingly unbearable that some people consider suicide. Grief cannot be avoided in divorce, as the two major parties to the relationship systematically tear apart what they have built over several years. They tear at each other, and at what once was a loving, close, bonded, intimate and significant relationship. Divorce may signify the death of a relationship, but the actual relationship is never really dead, especially when children are involved.

People grieving their dead have some sort of “closure” because of the funeral services. Funerals provide a mechanism for the bereaved to understand the permanent or terminal end of the relationship. Unfortunately, there are no funeral services for divorce, making the grieving process a prolonged and complicated process, and even though the relationship is ended, it is still, usually kept alight in some sort of crippled manner. Although divorce is not as final as a funeral, there is a big difference between separation and divorce. A separation may last 10 years and the marriage may even be “dead” 15 or 20 years, as they say, “It ain’t over until it’s over”. So, the day that is set for divorce does one significant thing in the lives of both parties, it sets in motion the process where one can put their lives back in order.



The day of divorce allows some basic questions to be answered. One learns what financial settlement (if any), will be granted, and as a result, one can determine what kind of housing one can afford, who will get primary custody of the children, and what visitation arrangement can be put in place. Not many people leave court feeling that their solicitor did a good job, but once the judgement has been made, the marriage is legally terminated, and there appears a more recognizable future for both parties. Some of the madness stops, and things become more certain and get under slightly better control. This is the day that sets in stone, the legal status of the marriage, even if there are several ongoing battles that continue into months, or even years. People have different ways of dealing with different issues, and not everyone will grieve in the same way. Everyone’s style is unique based on strength of personality, self esteem, personal insight, support form friends and family, spiritual inclination etc.

However, even though everyone has a different style and the individual grieving process is unique, there is still a predictable cycle of feelings, which will eventually end. The pattern of cycle of grief begins with Shock, Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and ends in a new wholesomeness. So, even if right now, you are riding on the worst or most bizarre emotional roller coaster you can ever imagine, be sure to know that one day you will be normal again. No storm lasts forever. This too, shall pass. The feelings you experience may not be “contained”, or logical, or predictable. Sometimes you may feel hopeless, helpless, sad, or lonely. At other times your feelings will be hatred, deep anger, bitterness or even, vindictiveness. In the daytime, you may feel fear or even terror, and then at night feel calm and normal again. Your feelings will be on very high roller coaster, fluctuating greatly even to very low levels. However, because grief follows a definite progressive pattern and no stage lasts forever, understanding the pattern is likely to provide you with some degree of hope.

This article was first published on my blog at www.yinkadixon.blogspot.com on Thursday 23 September 2010.