Answering the Question When Does The Pain End?

 

Answering the Question When Does The Pain End?

by Yinka Dixon-Oludaiye

When does the pain end was a question posed by a friend to Yetunde Daramola in 2010. 

She, in turn asked friends and family on Facebook "When Does the Pain End?". 

I attempted a response by giving the response below.

When does the pain end? 

How long does it take for the hurt to heal? 

How do people deal with their hurt? 

There is no rule book to measure the end of pain or grief. 

There is no yardstick to determine how long before hurt heals. As we are all different, we are bound to handle things in different ways. The same with pain, hurt and grief. Some heal later, some heal sooner. 

It's not as easy as A.B.C., neither is it as clear as daylight how or when someone who is hurting will heal. Only time does that. 

What helps people heal is the presence of caring, dedicated friends, who remain steadfast to ensure that their friend will not go "down". 

Going down into that dark and lonely road of depression, bitterness, fear and confusion, is, to say the least, worst for most people. 

Many may be wondering about the "fear" angle... 

It's the "fear" of suddenly finding yourself alone, asking questions for which there are no answers, facing very nasty and judgmental friends, facing neighbors who look on with pitiful eyes... 

And where there are children, what do you tell them? How? Blame him/her? Or blame yourself? 

Does that make it better for the kids? How will they cope? 

Surely, as human beings, they do feel it too, and can sometimes end up feeling suicidal and in such terrible pain themselves. 

Like losing a loved one to death, grieving must be allowed to take place. 

Cry if you must, feel sorry for yourself, mope... 

Some people enter into a place of darkness where daytime rolls painlessly into night time, those who have children don't even remember that they exist. 

Their "memory fails" them. They become like ghosts, a shadow of themselves. 

It is the people you surround yourself with at such times that will determine how soon (or how well) you heal. 

Some people will attempt to make sure you never forget your pain. Just keep avoiding them. And don't ever try to cope by yourself. 

Not talking about it, will bring about a delayed shock later on in life. 

I used to off-load my heart to anyone who cares to listen... 

After that, I walk away, and leave them with the “problem”, especially if they are people who like to "talk", I just give them plenty more to talk about.... 

The truth of the matter is that, the pain never really leaves, and someone mentioned a feeling of "being cheated". 

Before a relationship breaks down, the signs will be there for all to see, but people usually make excuses and ignore those signs, until the biological clock stops ticking. 

Yes, the Word of God (if you are a believer in whatever religion), is a healer, and with time, the Word prevails. But when the pain starts, you question everything, including God and his Word, and all those so-called Christians (and religious people) around you. 

And when there seems to be no ready answers, and, you seem to be surrounded by people ("friends"?) who feel it was "good for you" that your marriage/relationship broke up, your heart sinks. And things get worse if you happen to be in the same church/network. 

It is situations like this, that make many people lose self-confidence. You did everything the word of God described. You "played by the book", while your partner played "away". 

You spent your life, when you could have been the one to pack your bag and "run" miles years ago... But you stayed. Yes, all these things hurt bitterly. AND Pain will NOT just pack its bag and leave, just because you have now read the Bible, and attended praise-worship sessions. It Still WILL Hurt.

Ultimately, what swings it for most people is the ability to see yourself, just as God sees you.. a person of value, full of so many virtues that are useful to many people. 

Building blocks and nuggets of simple valuable things that help you to look after yourself, always rebuilds self-confidence. 

Don't be fooled, those who have not walked that road will never understand how you feel. And you really need to forgive anyone who says "I know what you're going through", because they're just trying to be nice. 

At best, someone who has had a similar experience might "understand" what you might be going through, but they will never actually KNOW. Only he who feels it will KNOW it. How do people deal with it? 

Learn to forgive your spouse for wasting your life (if you see it like that). But ask yourself, if anything good came out of the relationship (like your children?) 

Then forgive yourself for the failed relationship. And forgive all the people who could have, but didn't help when it would have made a difference. 

Forgive the barman, Forgive the chef, forgive the Pope, forgive the cat... forgive anything and anyone in range... Believe me, you'll feel so powerful in the end, as you go around issuing pardon to all these mere mortals.

And why not? It's within your power to give, so give it freely. It helps you regain your confidence. 

Regaining self-confidence is the only thing that can drive one out of that dark and dangerous pit (which can make people literally lose their minds). 

Asking questions will not do it, because ALL those questions that loom in that dark, dreary and painful place will definitely have NO answers. 

Yinka Dixon-Oludaiye

Published 25 Nov 2012  Yinka Dixon Answering he Question: When Does The Pain End?

Published 23 Nov 2012  at 03:16 am WHEN DOES THE PAIN END? - Yetunde Daramola

This was first published by Princess Yinka Dixon-Oludaiye  on Facebook 25 February 2010 at 01:11