Answering the Question When Does The Pain End?

 

Answering the Question When Does The Pain End?

by Yinka Dixon-Oludaiye

When does the pain end was a question posed by a friend to Yetunde Daramola in 2010. 

She, in turn asked friends and family on Facebook "When Does the Pain End?". 

I attempted a response by giving the response below.

When does the pain end? 

How long does it take for the hurt to heal? 

How do people deal with their hurt? 

There is no rule book to measure the end of pain or grief. 

There is no yardstick to determine how long before hurt heals. As we are all different, we are bound to handle things in different ways. The same with pain, hurt and grief. Some heal later, some heal sooner. 

It's not as easy as A.B.C., neither is it as clear as daylight how or when someone who is hurting will heal. Only time does that. 

What helps people heal is the presence of caring, dedicated friends, who remain steadfast to ensure that their friend will not go "down". 

Going down into that dark and lonely road of depression, bitterness, fear and confusion, is, to say the least, worst for most people. 

Many may be wondering about the "fear" angle... 

It's the "fear" of suddenly finding yourself alone, asking questions for which there are no answers, facing very nasty and judgmental friends, facing neighbors who look on with pitiful eyes... 

And where there are children, what do you tell them? How? Blame him/her? Or blame yourself? 

Does that make it better for the kids? How will they cope? 

Surely, as human beings, they do feel it too, and can sometimes end up feeling suicidal and in such terrible pain themselves. 

Like losing a loved one to death, grieving must be allowed to take place. 

Cry if you must, feel sorry for yourself, mope... 

Some people enter into a place of darkness where daytime rolls painlessly into night time, those who have children don't even remember that they exist. 

Their "memory fails" them. They become like ghosts, a shadow of themselves. 

It is the people you surround yourself with at such times that will determine how soon (or how well) you heal. 

Some people will attempt to make sure you never forget your pain. Just keep avoiding them. And don't ever try to cope by yourself. 

Not talking about it, will bring about a delayed shock later on in life. 

I used to off-load my heart to anyone who cares to listen... 

After that, I walk away, and leave them with the “problem”, especially if they are people who like to "talk", I just give them plenty more to talk about.... 

The truth of the matter is that, the pain never really leaves, and someone mentioned a feeling of "being cheated". 

Before a relationship breaks down, the signs will be there for all to see, but people usually make excuses and ignore those signs, until the biological clock stops ticking. 

Yes, the Word of God (if you are a believer in whatever religion), is a healer, and with time, the Word prevails. But when the pain starts, you question everything, including God and his Word, and all those so-called Christians (and religious people) around you. 

And when there seems to be no ready answers, and, you seem to be surrounded by people ("friends"?) who feel it was "good for you" that your marriage/relationship broke up, your heart sinks. And things get worse if you happen to be in the same church/network. 

It is situations like this, that make many people lose self-confidence. You did everything the word of God described. You "played by the book", while your partner played "away". 

You spent your life, when you could have been the one to pack your bag and "run" miles years ago... But you stayed. Yes, all these things hurt bitterly. AND Pain will NOT just pack its bag and leave, just because you have now read the Bible, and attended praise-worship sessions. It Still WILL Hurt.

Ultimately, what swings it for most people is the ability to see yourself, just as God sees you.. a person of value, full of so many virtues that are useful to many people. 

Building blocks and nuggets of simple valuable things that help you to look after yourself, always rebuilds self-confidence. 

Don't be fooled, those who have not walked that road will never understand how you feel. And you really need to forgive anyone who says "I know what you're going through", because they're just trying to be nice. 

At best, someone who has had a similar experience might "understand" what you might be going through, but they will never actually KNOW. Only he who feels it will KNOW it. How do people deal with it? 

Learn to forgive your spouse for wasting your life (if you see it like that). But ask yourself, if anything good came out of the relationship (like your children?) 

Then forgive yourself for the failed relationship. And forgive all the people who could have, but didn't help when it would have made a difference. 

Forgive the barman, Forgive the chef, forgive the Pope, forgive the cat... forgive anything and anyone in range... Believe me, you'll feel so powerful in the end, as you go around issuing pardon to all these mere mortals.

And why not? It's within your power to give, so give it freely. It helps you regain your confidence. 

Regaining self-confidence is the only thing that can drive one out of that dark and dangerous pit (which can make people literally lose their minds). 

Asking questions will not do it, because ALL those questions that loom in that dark, dreary and painful place will definitely have NO answers. 

Yinka Dixon-Oludaiye

Published 25 Nov 2012  Yinka Dixon Answering he Question: When Does The Pain End?

Published 23 Nov 2012  at 03:16 am WHEN DOES THE PAIN END? - Yetunde Daramola

This was first published by Princess Yinka Dixon-Oludaiye  on Facebook 25 February 2010 at 01:11

When Does the pain end by Yetunde Daramola

 

When Does the pain end?

by Yetunde Daramola (Odebiyi)


I have just come in from one of my many rounds to the supermarket. While waiting at the checkout, an old friend walked up to me. We exchanged pleasantries and then she asked after an old neighbour of mine. I replied saying she had left the neighbourhood following a breakdown of her marriage. 


The friend then said to me, “The same thing happened to me and I am still hurting.” I told her that time would heal her. She said she wanted the healing to be tomorrow. 

She still appeared deeply hurt and I realise that hurt is spreading around fast. I encouraged her still, saying: “Don’t worry; this time shall pass.” I bet my friend did not really want to hear that. She wanted her pain to just go away. Only a peek into the future to know exactly when the pain would end could have consoled her a bit. 

Back to my neighbour who left... Her husband had previously told me that he had seen so many separated or divorced women coping well on their own and that he was sure that his wife would cope too if he left her. A sadist, don’t you think? Hearing him say that, the little respect I had for the man dropped straight down to zero. 

Obviously, he had made up his mind to leave anyway and that he did, and in a most dramatic way. He had sent his wife and son on holiday for the summer, picked them from the airport, drove them home and then moved out the same night. “Men are downright callous” I have heard many women say. 

Well, the average woman feels that every man bales out in search of variety, greener pastures or whatever you want to call it just as soon as he has had his share of the ‘home cake’. 

Before you start getting defensive, I know that sometimes it is the women who pack out of the marriage. Generally speaking, women are more communicative and so it is only their side of the hurt and how it feels that I know. That is the only view I have so far, but I would like to hear from the men too. 

Here is my question: 

Following relationship breakdowns - separation, divorce etc - how long does it take to heal? Please let us be true to ourselves and share experiences, albeit anonymously. 

I remember when I was a teenager and my crush ended up going out with someone else. I cried, but my dad said to me, “Don’t worry, with time you will heal . Even if one loses a pet, one still grieves over it". 

I also remember him saying that even if your flatmate leaves after sharing a flat for a while; one is bound to miss the person. I understand that one cannot compare a marriage (with or without children) to a crush, but the fact remains that someone you once loved or had feelings for has moved on. 

But really, how long does it take for hurt folks to heal.? 

A few books I have read say that 18 months is the grieving time and after that the mind heals a bit? Is that true for you? 

I have also read that when relationships between unmarried people break down, it is best not to start another relationship for 18 months as anything earlier would be on the rebound. Has this worked with you too? 

Being in Christ makes everything easier to manage, but still, when does the pain end? 

Once again, all views male and female are welcome, albeit anonymously and feel free to share with others.


Yetunde Daramola (Yetunde Odebiyi)
www.yetundedaramola.com

Published 

https://yinkadixon.blogspot.com/2012/11/when-does-pain-end-by-yetunde-daramola.html/

https://thebeckymag.blogspot.com/2012/11/when-will-pain-end.html

23 November 2012

This article was first published on Facebook by Yetunde Odebiyi on Wednesday, 24 February 2010 at 18:20

Spending Time With Friends and Family is Priceless

Spending Time With Friends and Family is Priceless

There is a lot to be said about spending time with family. Time is often said to be a rare commodity, and is to be valued.

The highlight of my evening is that I went for a meal last night. It was not planned, but was, rather, impromptu. My cousin had arrived from USA since last Thursday, and was bound to return on an early flight tomorrow, Wednesday. She was staying with my cousin from Ireland who is her sister, and cousin from Ireland’s family, which is about an hour away from me. I remember that we had talked about it for while, before cousin from USA actually arrived for this trip, and had planned a few things in advance. 

 

Time does tend to creep in quickly on you, leaving you wondering where it disappeared to in the end. Sunday was meant to be our first outing, but other events sort of overtook this plan. Things always seem to have a way of hijacking your time, if one is not careful. Sunday went by, and although a bit unhappy about missing that outing, there was not much one could do about it.

Of course, work takes over the week days. You start at 8am and end a 8pm when you are running your own business. You can’t ask anyone for overtime pay. It’s times like this that you really wish that someone else was paying for your time. So, you tell yourself that you need to put in much more, in order to get much more value out of the business. Sunday came and went, as did Monday. I have not been able to blog about anything. As a matter of fact, my mind keeps drawing a blank every time I think of what to write. A few items come to mind, but at the end of the day on Monday, after dinner, I found that I had slept off on the sofa. Writing will have to be on another day. The left over food had even dried up in the plate as I got up to take the plates to re-adjust myself. An outing on a busy Tuesday evening is the last thing on my mind.

However, we had agreed (cousin from Ireland and I), that we would make the visit of cousin from USA, as eventful as possible. If I know my cousin from Ireland, she likes to leave no stone unturned. So, just as I was ending my teaching session late on Tuesday, this call came from cousin from Ireland. The children and herself, were here in Dublin, with cousin from USA. Now, what does one do when you are tired and feeling quite unsociable? You say so. Yes. That’s what I did. Did cousin from Ireland buy any of that? Nope! “We’ll just stop over “briefly”, and see you since we are in town, and the children have been saying they want to see you”. Ah! Bless her dear heart. Arm-twisting is an art, I guess. I should register for a course in subtle arm-twisting. “Erm, erm, I am really not feeling sociable. I am tired, and hungry, and need to go to bed in one hour”, were my exact words.

Thirty minutes later, we were in a Chinese restaurant, having buffet. It was my treat. After meeting with cousin from USA, I decided it wouldn’t be nice not to add this meeting to her experience of Ireland. This was about 7pm. At 11.30pm, we were just saying our goodbyes. We had taken photographs as a record of the event. But, we almost forgot the photos. We were all overfed, and had laughed and laughed, as we cracked joke upon joke. The children cracked jokes. We cracked jokes. We took swipes at the food, at the tables, the wall pictures, the car-parking (which incidentally is a 24 hour, 7 day week paid parking, apparently run by Tesco’s). They obviously don’t want us to be stopping there at anytime of the day! 

 

Anyway, as I was saying, in between meals, we talked about cousin’s cat called “Heaven”. She showed us a picture of “Heaven”. And although I can’t stand cats (being asthmatic, I cant stand animals, but I prefer dogs to cats), I felt “Heaven” was a gorgeous feline. He coat is pure white, and radiant. She has a gold eye and a blue eye. Rather uncanny. I have never seen anyone or animal with two different color eyes. But “Heaven” has two colors. You can’t say anything bad about “Heaven” if you want to stay in cousin from USA’s good books. So, I told her “Heaven” has a lovely coat (which was not a lie). 

 

You have to find something good to say about someone (or someone’s pet), to make them feel good, even if you don’t like them. One of my mentors always says that people want to hear good things about themselves. Even if it is the truth, no-one want you to tell them that they are awful horrible giant arse holes (which is what I called the guy who interrupted my teaching today, for more than 30 minutes, just to annoy me). Anyway, when cousin from USA goes back now, she will go home to “Heaven”, and she was very delighted about it, although she enjoyed our company.

Well, I was recounting the whole episode to my cousin in England last night, and she commented that the “highlight of the message, is that I went out for a meal”, and that I should do this more often. She hoped I had wine as well. But if I had had wine, both cousin from USA and cousin from Ireland and the children would have had to carry me inside the house, ‘cos I would have been as drunk as a skunk. 

 

Well, it was a great privileged to spend a bit of my time with my family last night. I can’t actually remember how long ago I had this experience last. Taking time out of a busy schedule is a very rewarding vocation, and quite important. The rewards cannot really be quantified. We cannot buy the laughter, the jokes, the bonding and closeness that comes with it, as we sat there, making fun of each other, and the quantities of food we ate, it became apparent, that we must find the time to do this again, sometime very soon, as it helps us to grow in affection. 

 

Yes, we paid for the food, but what we have all taken away from the time together, is priceless.

Princess YinkaDixon

 

 

first published by me as Power2win on July 25, 2012, while a member of the Empower Network

Today, I just don’t feel like doing anything

Today, I just don’t feel like doing anything

Have you ever had any days like this.? These would be days when you wake up feeling like doing absolutely nothing. It won’t be because you had nothing to do. You probably have a diary overflowing with things you need to do in one day that would take a month to complete. However, today, you simply chose to be without an agenda. I guess you are not alone. Many people may not say so, but they surely do feel the same way. I was once listening to popular “Lazy Song” performed by Bruno Mars.

Listen to Bruno Mars by clicking the link below.
I took the liberty of copying the lyrics to the first few words:

Bruno Mars – The Lazy Song (Official Video) – Youtube
Today I don’t feel like doing anything; I just wanna lay in my bed.
Don’t feel like picking up my phone, so leave a message at the tone.
‘Cause today, I swear, I’m not doing anything.
I’m gonna kick my feet up; then stare at the fan.

Then he goes on to talk about “TOMORROW”…
Yeah, on days like this, we all have a “plan” for “tomorrow”. The song goes on to say “Tomorrow, I’ll wake up”…. I’ll do this, and I’ll do that…. I’ll even “get a college degree. I bet my old man will be so proud of me. But, sorry pops, you’ll just have to wait”…

Why should anybody have to wait? Because TODAY is all I’ve got… In many ways, it sounds very logical to step back, and savour the moment, every now and again. There is a lot to be said for spending quality time with yourself, in your own company. Some people cannot do without being in the company of friends. There has to be a crowd in their lives regularly, before they can feel “safe” or “popular”, or that people “really love” them. Hey. Have you heard what some of those people say about you behind your back? True. If you could become a fly on the wall of some of these people, you would really want to spend more time in your own company. Because, in the end, all that matters is that you are really happy, fulfilled, and contented with yourself. You can’t give what you don’t have. Happiness and contentment begins from within you, not from outside.

If you are one of those people who like your actions and words to be ratified and accredited by others, the day they withhold their accreditation and praise, is the day you die. I tell you that this is too much power to give to an outsider. You have the power within you to keep YOU happy. Spend time with yourself, and discover the real YOU. Today, if you don’t really feel like doing anything, and you are sure it won’t affect your job, your business, or ability to earn a decent dollar, just do it. Turn your phones off. Throw your feet on the sofa, or lay on the bed. Stare at the ceiling. Make absolutely no plan.

Allow the day to take its cause. You will discover that the world will not end just because you are spending time in your own company. Earthquakes will not happen. If anything major happens, I assure you, it’s not because you spent time with yourself. If you are happy the world around you will be happy with you. For me, today is just one of those days. I feel like just staying home, shutting off my phones, singing and dancing. Let the world and its problems wait till tomorrow. Today, I just don’t feel like doing anything. I regularly have days like this, when I step back to spend time in my own company without feeling guilty about it. Unfortunately, today, I can’t. But my day will come, perhaps tomorrow.

17 Dec 2012
first published by me as power2win | on July 20, 2012 while an Empower Network member